The Unathorized September Interview
October 3, 1998 - Leesburg, Virginia
I had just walked into the DoJang of Tigger Claw School of Martial Arts when Instructor J called me into his office with a stern tone. "Unhhhh, Blue Belt C.... come in here." (He calls everyone by their belt rank and first initial to mask the fact that he can't remember all of the students names.) As I gleefully traversed through the White Temple into Instructor J's secret office behind the walls of T-Shirts and handdrawn artwork, he says to me without looking up, "unh, you no bow and show respect for the DoJang anymore?" I quickly bow and smile to myself, thinking that he is just messing with me; afterall, I am the teacher's pet!!!
And before I could give him the standard hello in Korean, J speaks to me in a very serious voice. "Blue Belt C, you may be a Master at being a DJ, but you are only a Blue Belt with this school." I think to myself, actually, that is I have a Masters Degree and I'm a DJ... the other part is still true. J continues, "I am very concerned that you have been giving interviews on behalf on Tiger Claw... what do you have to say about this." At that moment, he points down to a recent issue of a National Tabloid. And on the front page reads the headline, DJCurtiss Takes Over DoJang and Trains a New Breed of TKD Assassins!!!", with the following picture scrolled across 3 columns, along side of the "Two Headed Baby is pregnant... again" and "Lewinski Sues Local Dry Cleaner for Removing Stains."Under the photo, the caption reads, "DJCurtiss spars with Grand Master of Tigger Claw DoJang in a "to the death" match.
J snorts as my mouth hangs open, "unhhhh, to the death.... you just a student, you no know how to fight your way out of your DoBok!!!" And then he mockingly continues, "and look at this picture, it says you give 'final death blow' to me???" J snorts again, "sure.... if I was 1 feet high!!!" I amusingly glance down at the other three pictures that read; Tensions flair as DJCurtiss blocks the Grand Masters first death punch, DJCurtiss wears Grand Master down in the battle for control of the DoJang and Grand Master fails to defeat DJCurtiss' relentless coup.
As I begin to explain my situation with the papparatzi and apologize that he and his DoJang have become part of the shameless victimization of their unscrupulous actions, Instructor J silences me. "You no talk yet.... you first look at this article and explain to me how they get such nonsense!!!" As J turns the pages, I ponder how anyone could explain National Tabloid's nonsense. J stops at a small side story and a picture of one of our sweetest students, Joanne . The caption reads, "Joanne T., aka 'The Dr.', demonstrates her sorcery and uncanny power." The article continues about how Joanne, "the ruthless Dr." who masterminded the entire takeover is actually a viscious killer, wanted in 10 differnet countries, as demonstrated in these photos of her bashing in a fellow revolutionary's face with her elbow for calling "the Dr." a quack, blocking a mock training attack and then kicking the unsuspecting student because, as "the Dr." quoted, "she was there!!!!"
We both stood over the tabloid dumbfounded by the articles. J finally mumbles, "our Dr. Joanne is wanted in 10 different countries... for what? Giving bad back massages?" I interupted and tried to explain. "Sir, I think I know what happened. A few nights ago after class I went next door to Subway and I engaged in conversation with another patron. He had noticed my DoBok and began asking the normal questions about Tae Kwon Do. At one point, he mentioned that he thought that he was too old to start and I tried to explain that we have all ages, including a 50+ chiropractor who started off as being very timid and is now a very self confident individual." I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know where he got the rest of this... I suppose Imaginary Minds Have to Know!!"
"Unhhhhh," J snorts out as he turns the page. "So I guess you no tell these guys this stuff too?" J begins to stab at another "exclusive" story. The caption under the photo reads, DJCurtiss trains TKD students to attack senior citizens to finance army of TKD assassins. The article continues with a story about one of our new students, John W., being an undercover international terrorist, who preys on weak seniors for their purses and social security checks. Apparently the previous photo was a demonstration of "Killer John" showing others how easy it is to (as John quoted) "knock the dentures out of the victim and steal her purse at the same time!!!" The subsequent photo shows "Killer John" after working out on a bag of cement, by kicking it a thousand times with each leg; "a mild conditioning for most new students of Tigger Claw," as the article put it.
I rolled my eyes towards the ceiling. "Oh give me a break... how this guy in the Sub shop turned my mentioning of a local surveyorist being able to come in at any time during the day to work out on the bag into... into," I searched my memory for the right choice of words. "this... this..."
J laughs outloud, "huh... perhaps there is justice in all of this. Look... Princess Kaela kicks you butt!!!" I stared at the final article in disbelief. DJCurtiss Gets Outst by Youth Extremist "hey," I clammor, "I'm not dead... they can't kill me off like this!!!!" I begin reading the article outloud. "Known by the other students as Princess Kaela, the self proclaimed youth extremist, shortly after the successful coup of the DoJang, gets into a heated debate with DJCurtiss on Korean Tradition. Apparently, none of the youth want to be taught by an egotistical, Blue Belt Mentalical, individual whom renames simple stretches after his own initial. In his own defense, DJCurtiss begins to demonstrate 'the one-legged shut-up I'm-in-charge front-snap, I-can-take-you-out kick'; Princess Kaela laughs in his face and states, 'go ahead and try, Mr. Pony-tail, I can spar you with one hand on my head!!!' The battle gets ugly as DJCurtiss throws the weightless Princess through the air, but in the end... Princess Kaela stands victorious over DJCurtiss and returns the DoJang back to the Grand Master (who is quite happy by the looks of this picture), after crushing the vocal chords of DJCurtiss, for (as quoted by Princess Kaela) 'telling all of those stupid jokes during class.'"
I stood there in disbelief. How can the papparatzi be so rude? How can they kill me off like this? I'm their star International story!!! I turn to the Instructor J in silence, questioning life with every blink of my eyes. J grunts as he nods his head up once, "unhhhh.... go get dressed, mr. pony-tail. And if you late... 500 pushups!!!" J pauses as he walks back into the DoJang with me shyly following behind. "And you gonna want to save you strength.... I think you spar Princess Kaela today!!!" I scramble to the back to find my DoBak as J burst out into one of his "I'm gonna work you really, really hard today" laughs.
